For most, it is a foregone conclusion that there is a civil war occurring between Black males and Black females. It would not be a stretch to state that the alluded conflict has taken on a life of its own. At its core, this conflict reminds one of Michel’le’s inventive creation of the word “Nicety”; meaning behavior that sits somewhere between nice and nasty.

I am sure that you agree that such matters should be the purview of grown Black folks. Unfortunately for Black America, the alluded discord has prematurely entered the lives of middle school-aged Black children. If I did not know any better, I could be convinced that a portion of Black youth’s socialization is intended to prepare them to be foot soldiers in a raging conflict that not a single participant understands how, where, or why it began. The only thing certain is that there are few winners in this game of Black love.

If it can be argued that the “N-word” is the nitroglycerine of the English language, it is more reasonable to consider Black love an allergen to so many of my kind. There is no greater evidence of such than the droves of disenchanted Black folks whose pessimism is displayed via their disengagement with any real hope of finding love with a Black spouse.

Things have gotten so bad on the dating scene within Black America that men and women are eager to teach succeeding generations on how to survive this gladiator sport that often requires participants to destroy potential mates and may lead to one’s mental, spiritual, or even physical death. Often it appears that the goal of Black love is not finding love, rather surviving with dignity and sanity intact.

Admittedly, it is impossible for me to comment on this matter from any perspective other than a Black man, so, I will not attempt to balance my perspective by injecting what I think my female counterparts would say; I certainly do not want to be accused of mansplaining.

I have spent several decades seeking to learn something new every day. Trust me when I tell you that lessons often come from the least likely places and at the most bizarre times. Experience has taught me to accept the blessing of increased knowledge/insight and keep it moving.

This understanding of the unexpected nature of life lessons makes my unexpected engagement with a new term a rather mundane occurrence. While listening to a podcast titled, The Crimson Cure, I learned a new term/identity. During a show that reminds one of the content of Kevin Samuels, I learned about Pickmesha. Apparently, this lady is someone that many Black men love and the majority of Black women hate.

As mentioned previously, I was unfamiliar with who or what a Pickmesha was, however, after listening to the show, it became obvious that she was an African-American woman who is feminine, cooperative, and submissive in regards to her dealings with Black men. Apparently, Pickmesha is a throwback female of yesteryear who has been bred and raised by a long line of feminine, cooperative, and submissive ladies to understand that her foremost priority is serving as a “help meet” for her man. The same role that her mother played for her father and her grandmothers played for her maternal and paternal grandfathers. It appears that Pickmesha knows no other way to be.

To the chagrin of non-Pickmeshas, there is no doubt whatsoever that respectable Black men across the socioeconomic spectrum are selecting Pickmeshas for marriage over them. The reasons undergirding Black men pursuing Pickmeshas for holy matrimony are fairly simple, they like peace and seek lives devoid of the unnecessary conflict and foolishness that so many non-Pickmeshas introduce to every relationship they enter.

One of the most interesting elements of the robust conflict that occurred regarding this matter was the lack of a true understanding of what a Black woman ought to be and ought to do. As a Black man who has talked to many Black women regarding the above matters, I am convinced that there is no single definition that encompasses Black womanhood. Ironically, there appears to be a greater consensus regarding manhood than womanhood within Black America. There is a near consensual agreement within our community that Black men are to be “protectors and providers.” The failure to accomplish these feats makes one a marginal man in the eyes of Black America. However, one has to wonder what are the consensual qualities that Black women must possess to be a woman.

One thing is for sure. If stable, sane, and gainfully employed Black men have any say in the definition of what type of Black woman they desire, Pickmesha will be the woman for them.

James Thomas Jones III, Ph.D.

©Manhood, Race, and Culture, 2021