Category Archives: RELATIONSHIP

African-American Males, African-American Men, African-American Women, Black Girls, Black Males, Black Men, Black Women, RELATIONSHIP

Why Black Men Are Desiring Pickmesha Over Modern Women

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For most, it is a foregone conclusion that there is a civil war occurring between Black males and Black females. It would not be a stretch to state that the alluded conflict has taken on a life of its own. At its core, this conflict reminds one of Michel’le’s inventive creation of the word “Nicety”; meaning behavior that sits somewhere between nice and nasty.

I am sure that you agree that such matters should be the purview of grown Black folks. Unfortunately for Black America, the alluded discord has prematurely entered the lives of middle school-aged Black children. If I did not know any better, I could be convinced that a portion of Black youth’s socialization is intended to prepare them to be foot soldiers in a raging conflict that not a single participant understands how, where, or why it began. The only thing certain is that there are few winners in this game of Black love.

If it can be argued that the “N-word” is the nitroglycerine of the English language, it is more reasonable to consider Black love an allergen to so many of my kind. There is no greater evidence of such than the droves of disenchanted Black folks whose pessimism is displayed via their disengagement with any real hope of finding love with a Black spouse.

Things have gotten so bad on the dating scene within Black America that men and women are eager to teach succeeding generations on how to survive this gladiator sport that often requires participants to destroy potential mates and may lead to one’s mental, spiritual, or even physical death. Often it appears that the goal of Black love is not finding love, rather surviving with dignity and sanity intact.

Admittedly, it is impossible for me to comment on this matter from any perspective other than a Black man, so, I will not attempt to balance my perspective by injecting what I think my female counterparts would say; I certainly do not want to be accused of mansplaining.

I have spent several decades seeking to learn something new every day. Trust me when I tell you that lessons often come from the least likely places and at the most bizarre times. Experience has taught me to accept the blessing of increased knowledge/insight and keep it moving.

This understanding of the unexpected nature of life lessons makes my unexpected engagement with a new term a rather mundane occurrence. While listening to a podcast titled, The Crimson Cure, I learned a new term/identity. During a show that reminds one of the content of Kevin Samuels, I learned about Pickmesha. Apparently, this lady is someone that many Black men love and the majority of Black women hate.

As mentioned previously, I was unfamiliar with who or what a Pickmesha was, however, after listening to the show, it became obvious that she was an African-American woman who is feminine, cooperative, and submissive in regards to her dealings with Black men. Apparently, Pickmesha is a throwback female of yesteryear who has been bred and raised by a long line of feminine, cooperative, and submissive ladies to understand that her foremost priority is serving as a “help meet” for her man. The same role that her mother played for her father and her grandmothers played for her maternal and paternal grandfathers. It appears that Pickmesha knows no other way to be.

To the chagrin of non-Pickmeshas, there is no doubt whatsoever that respectable Black men across the socioeconomic spectrum are selecting Pickmeshas for marriage over them. The reasons undergirding Black men pursuing Pickmeshas for holy matrimony are fairly simple, they like peace and seek lives devoid of the unnecessary conflict and foolishness that so many non-Pickmeshas introduce to every relationship they enter.

One of the most interesting elements of the robust conflict that occurred regarding this matter was the lack of a true understanding of what a Black woman ought to be and ought to do. As a Black man who has talked to many Black women regarding the above matters, I am convinced that there is no single definition that encompasses Black womanhood. Ironically, there appears to be a greater consensus regarding manhood than womanhood within Black America. There is a near consensual agreement within our community that Black men are to be “protectors and providers.” The failure to accomplish these feats makes one a marginal man in the eyes of Black America. However, one has to wonder what are the consensual qualities that Black women must possess to be a woman.

One thing is for sure. If stable, sane, and gainfully employed Black men have any say in the definition of what type of Black woman they desire, Pickmesha will be the woman for them.

James Thomas Jones III, Ph.D.

©Manhood, Race, and Culture, 2021

 

African-American Males, African-American Men, African-American Women, Black Males, Black Men, Black Women, RELATIONSHIP

Is the High-Earning Millennial Black Male Invisible to their Female Counterparts?

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A convincing argument could be made that Ralph Ellison’s The Invisible Man is the greatest novel ever written.

I must tell you that Ellison’s unnamed protagonist is “invisible” throughout the entire book for those who have never read this timeless text. Now I do not want you to get the impression that he is see-through as lacking a body; his invisibility results from those around him not being able to see. Everyone he encounters “sees only my surroundings, themselves, or figments of their imagination.”

Ellison’s Invisible Man is no different from millions of Black male millennials living without anyone, especially their Black female counterparts, ever seeing them.

While those on the Right engage in public political propaganda about Critical Race Theory, millennial Black men are facing an unexpected opponent. Young Black men between the ages of 25 – 40 have been rendered invisible. Nearly eighty years after Ellison’s brilliant construct, millennial Black men fit perfectly into it.

If nothing else, the familiar cries of Black women regarding the absence of suitable Black suitors are convincing, particularly to those who have never reviewed relevant data. The “Amen corner” that so eagerly joins into any discussion that culminates with the denigration of Black men has never needed any data to condemn their targets. The evidence base is purely anecdotal evidence provided by a segment of bitter mothers, aunts, sisters, cousins, and friends that serves no purpose other than convincing Black millennial women that there are no suitable marriage-minded Black males. This recycled allegation has reached urban legend status.

The primary problem with the unceasing denigration of millennial Black men is that there is not a shred of evidence supporting the allegations. When one focuses on the plight of educated Black women categorized as millennials, by far the loudest town criers regarding this matter, an interesting portrait arises. If considered seriously, the existing data would mute what has become standard verse for far too many, certainly not all, educated Black women making over $50,000. According to PUMS (2019), when one focuses on higher-income Black millennials, many Black men above the $50,000 income level as their female counterparts. It appears that millennial Black women have inherited a familiar dodge that they cannot find someone who is “equally-yoked” (financially) to build a life with from previous generations of embittered Black women.

When faced with such facts, one can only wonder what excuse millennial Black women who have dominated public conversations will use to explain their difficulty finding an equally-yoked, gainfully employed Black male.

The above information should spotlight what appears to be hopelessly single millennial Black women making over $50,000. If provided the opportunity, I would ask these Black women the following questions.

  • Do you think that your single status is due to Black men deciding that you are not marriage material?
  • Where did you get the idea that there were no equally-yoked marriageable Black men?
  • Have you ever considered that the pessimism that so many millennial women wear as a badge of honor actually an allergen to the gainfully employed equally-yoked Black men that you claim to desire?

Although painful to admit, it appears that yet another generation of Black women has been socialized to be doubting Thomas’ regarding Black suitors. Unfortunately, so many of these women have allowed the experiences of their disenchanted predecessors to be pressed atop their own.

Unfortunately for millennial Black men, it appears that Ralph Ellison’s construct shockingly applies to them. Although frightening to consider, one has to wonder if there is anything that Black men could or should do to break through the glacier-like ice that encases the hearts of so many of their female counterparts?

All of this makes one wonder if the fact that only 25% of Black women will ever marry leads them to abandon the present course that appears to be inspired by the experiences of a group of disenchanted embittered Black women instead of a numerically superior group of Black women who managed to remain married to Black men for decades.

James Thomas Jones III, Ph.D.

©Manhood, Race, and Culture, 2021

#ManhoodRaceCulture  

African-American Girls, African-American Males, African-American Men, African-American Women, Black Girls, Black Males, Black Men, Black Women, RELATIONSHIP

“It Is Time that Black Men Apologize to Black Women!!!!!!”: One Black Man’s Response to a Dear Friends Assertion

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Some conversations seem to stick in an inactive portion of the brain. The type of conversations that remain dormant until something unexpected, and usually unrelated, brings it to the forefront of one’s mind. During a recent moment of meditation, a long-forgotten conversation with a trusted female friend resurfaced in a way that made it impossible to ignore.

I will not bore you with the entirety of the conversation in this space; I will give you the most succinct recitation, as I remember it, possible. The entire conversation revolved around the best path to end the on-going civil war between Black men and Black women, reduced to the following statement.

It is time that Black men apologized to Black women.

Honestly, I scoffed at the notion that Black men needed to apologize to Black women about anything without a second thought. There has been far too much said by both combatants in this civil war for one group to issue an apology to an adversary that consistently delivered serious blows from a host of angles as if they were channeling the spirit of Iron Mike Tyson during his early days.

Yet, a combination of time, experience, understanding of history, and deep reflection has forced me to revisit this issue. Of course, the still-reverberating words of Brother Malcolm that

The Black woman is the most disrespected person on the planet

was activated without any prodding. I am sure that I am not the only Black man whose life experience and adoration of Malcolm X have led to this thought being pinned to the forefront of their mind.

Alas, my understanding of what can be best termed a civil war between Black men and Black women that stretches across several generations had appeared at the forefront of my mind. Its arrival was akin to a supreme challenge that struck my understanding of manhood and its means to be a Black man in America.

I was forced to consider the validity of Malcolm X’s statement regarding the horrific disrespect that he asserted that Black women have received from all of those around them. Unfortunately, this list of offenders that have used Black women as a reliable tool to included their hearts desires includes Black men. The historical record proves that Black women are always excluded from any rewards when goals are secured.

Although equally painful and embarrassing to admit, there appears to be a segment of Black men who have learned from Whites that the most assured means of advancing in this requires the engagement and exploitation of Black women. According to this playbook, Black women are to be engaged, exploited for their usefulness, and then discarded and denied at an opportune moment.

If I was not well-versed in the historical record, I could be convinced that all Black men view Black women as little more than a means to some desired end. However, this same historical record and personal experience prove that not all Black men have viewed the women of their race as a “beast of burden.” Yet, this does not cancel the inexcusable fact that there are Black men in our midst whose desperate struggle to survive makes exploitation second-nature. Unfortunately for Black women, they are more likely to encounter exploiters than upstanding Black men if for no other reason than the former never cease their hunt for their next victim.

Rest assured that upstanding Black men are aware of the presence of those whose every interaction with Black women is self-advantageous; yet, we remain silent regarding such matters – a daunting decision that flows from a desire to “mind our own business.” Such passivism remains our standard verse until one of these individuals or someone socialized by them emerges in the life of our daughter, niece, or even mother with a voracious appetite to devour all that they can access. Trust me when I say that efforts to protect Black women from predatory Black men will continue to fail as long as we allow their manufacturing within our community.

I guess that this journey began with a daunting assertion that began with what I considered to be an illogical demand that

It is time that Black men apologized to Black women

forces me to realize that maybe, just maybe, Black men should apologize to Black women for not providing an impenetrable hedge of protection around them against all those that seek to disrespect and prey on them.

In a world where Black men consistently demand the right to be head of household and leaders within their community, the state of unprotected, depressed, unstable, and uncertain Black girls, females, and women must be placed at their feet.

The onus is on Black men to bring a cease to this nation’s grandest tradition of all, disrespecting Black men by all Americans regardless of race, ethnicity, gender, or sexual orientation. Please do not take this as a call that I believe Black women need to be saved. The historical record proves this not to be the case; however, I think that we all could benefit from Black men refusing to join others in their never-ending pursuit to denigrate, disrespect, and destroy the souls and bodies of Black women at every turn.

Dr. James Thomas Jones III

© Manhood, Race, and Culture, 2021.

 

African-American Males, African-American Men, African-American Women, Black Males, Black Men, Black Women, RELATIONSHIP

The Pursuit of a Suitable Wife: The Black Man’s Burden (The Aftermath of an MRCi Event)

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This an open invitation for you to join us tonight (January 7, 2021) at 7:30 EST / 6:30 CST for what promises to be a vibrant and intellectually stimulating discussion as we kick off our initial 2021 session of Manhood, Race, and Culture Interactive.

Click HERE to gain access to the discussion.

During last week’s Manhood, Race, and Culture Interactive (MRCi), I learned something about myself. I may have a blind spot in regards to my analysis of the path to a successful relationship. Of course, this revelation was pointed out to me by Black women fighting against Jawanza Kunjufu’s assertion that marriage-minded Black men raised in two-parent households should avoid Black women who were reared in single-parent female-headed households.

Although the men present during the MRCi event agreed with the above assertion and offered personal experience to bolster Kunjufu’s statement, their voices were drowned out by Black women who challenged all reasoning and explanations. Of course, the majority of the women present were products of single female-headed households. This explains why their skepticism rapidly ascended into a rage. Possibly the most powerful rebuttal to Kunjufu was the following quip.

I hate to hear this type of thinking because in the end, no one, not a single one of us, picks their parents. You didn’t pick yours, and I did not select mine.

Although there is much truth found in the above assertion, it does little to combat the reality that many of the men present pushed-back against the idea that there are no differences in the outlook and decision-making of those that Kunjufu termed “daddy-less little girls” and their counterparts raised in healthy and stable two-parent homes.

This matter is a frequent closed-door topic among marriage-minded Black men who believe that a strong family is a prerequisite to a strong Black nation. Untold conversations with marriage-minded Black men reveal that the vast majority have similar evaluation criteria when evaluating a woman’s wife status. What follows is a small portion of the things that many of these Black men seeking a Black woman to marry have shared with me.

  • Man, I don’t need that type of headache. If she has never seen her mother interact on the regular with a Black man in a healthy, committed relationship, I won’t even consider her an option.
  • Although the physical remains important to me, the type of home and family, she was raised in will cause me to walk away and never look back.
  • One of the first questions I ask an attractive sister is, “Tell me about your father.” If he wasn’t around, I am not going to be around. It is too much of a struggle to battle someone whose worldview and image of Black men is unhealthy because they have never seen the presence of a good Black man.
  • I’m just not going to hitch my wagon to a Black woman, regardless of how fine and accomplished she is, who does not understand a wife’s role. She has never seen one in her household, so she can’t be one.

It appears that just as many Black women have adapted to the rugged terrain known as the Black dating world, many accomplished Black bachelors have done the same and closed themselves off to a certain segment of Black females. Put simply, they no longer believe that they have the ability to be wife material.

In many ways, the angst expressed by so many Black females during last week’s MRCi session is understandable, yet, there indignation that challenges the rights of marriage-minded Black men to sidestep a segment of Black America is both emotions filled and wrongheaded. Observation and participation are the guideposts leading the decision-making processes of so many Black men at the present moment. The alluded to Black men are merely reacting to terrain that began well before they were conceived.

As with so many other issues afflicting Black men and Black women’s dynamics, there is no definitive answer to this issue. One thing is for certain, somewhere along the way, it became acceptable among a segment of our populace for Black men not to be present to serve as a primary socializing agent in the lives of their children, boys, and girls. This development is serving as a primary determinant in the type of Black woman that marriage-minded Black men pursue. The consequences of this development impact us all. If you do not believe me, ask an accomplished marriage-minded Black man why he is not married with all of these single Black women around.

Black women, before you ask such a question, please brace yourself because what you are about to hear may be uncomfortable, yet, it is nevertheless the truth as he sees it.

This an open invitation for you to join us tonight (January 7, 2021) at 7:30 EST / 6:30 CST for what promises to be a vibrant and intellectually stimulating discussion as we kick off our initial 2021 session of Manhood, Race, and Culture Interactive.

Click HERE to gain access to the discussion.

Dr. James Thomas Jones III

© Manhood, Race, and Culture, 2021.

 

African-American Males, African-American Men, African-American Women, Black Males, Black Men, Black Women, Manhood, Race, and Culture Interactive, MRCi, RELATIONSHIP

WHAT ARE THE 3 QUALITIES BLACK MEN LOOK FOR WHEN SEARCHING FOR A BLACK WIFE: A MANHOOD RACE CULTURE INTERACTIVE EVENT

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I have learned to avoid discussing a few topics in public because of their uncanny ability to cause people to lose their minds. One of the foremost of these taboo topics is Black Love issues, particularly if it calls for any criticism of Black women.

Trust me when I say that if you want to get emotions flowing and possibly a good cuss out, lay any portion of the blame for failed relationships and marriages at the feet of Black women. It is not a stretch of the imagination to say that such an encounter holds the potential to leave your ego bruised, your soul battered, and your sleep pattern disrupted. So, I avoid this topic unless it occurs with Black women that are in my inner-circle.

Yet, I realize that this extremely rough terrain called Black Love must be covered if Black America is ever to come together and create loving families that most agree are the building blocks to strong children and a stronger nation. So, I thought it was somewhat fortuitous when Professor Carl Tone Jones agreed to lead tonight’s Manhood, Race, and Culture Interactive session to discuss the three qualities that Black men are looking for in a Black wife.

I, like other members in our robust and dedicated intellectual community, are looking forward to hearing Professor Carl Tone Jones’ presentation as it promises to be an initial step for many Black women to hear and ask questions of Black men regarding what are the qualities that lead them to pursue some women for matrimony eagerly and to avoid others by any means necessary.

This an open invitation for you to join us tonight (January 7, 2021) at 7:30 EST / 6:30 CST for what promises to be a vibrant and intellectually stimulating discussion as we kick off our initial 2021 session of Manhood, Race, and Culture Interactive.

Click HERE to gain access to the discussion.

Dr. James Thomas Jones III